Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Once upon a time...

I have never been skinny or thin. Never.
I have always had curves. Always.
But now my curves are getting out of hand.

While I've always been on the heavier side growing up, I think the bulk of my weight gain and problems started my senior year of high school. I got lazy and comfortable in my relationship with my boyfriend and found myself not caring as much about what I ate, how much I exercised, or how I looked to other people. I figured he loved me for me and didn't care what I looked like. And it's true, he never said a word. Not even an inkling that my added squishiness bothered him. So therefore, it never bothered me.

I graduated high school weighing 155 lbs, the biggest I had ever been up to that point (and now I'm desperate to see those numbers on my scale again). Well, needless to say, the "Freshman 15" found me. Not that I was hiding very well. I basically invited it to take up residence on my body. "Oh hey, I have some extra space on this hip right here, any takers?" That first semester of college was crazy. I was still playing lacrosse (thankfully), but I was also introduced to the world of "eat as much food as you can" dinners at the dining hall followed by multiple and habitual late night drive-thru runs. My second semester I traded in the lacrosse team for pledging a sorority. Another big mistake to my waistline. More events with food, more stress, less time for anything, and more emotional eating + zero exercise = perfect recipe for a disaster.

I "tried" everything to lose weight. *Liar* I half-assed my way through multiple diets only to have my weight yo-yo and toy with my emotions. November 22, 2006 (my junior year), my mother and I joined Jenny Craig the day before Thanksgiving. It was the perfect day to join because that year I didn't gorge myself with crazy Thanksgiving lunch/dinner/leftovers. By my 21st birthday (Feb 2007), I was back down to 155 lbs and loving it! Continued with JC through that summer and maintained my weight loss. August 2007, I headed to Galway, Ireland for a study abroad semester where I preceded to have a great time and gain most, but not all, of the weight back. When I came back for my last semester of college it was party time. Everywhere I turned it was a party or celebration for the class of 2008. Everyone was happy it was our last semester and living it up like it was our last few months to live. No excuses, party like a rockstar! I was having a blast! Until I stepped on the scale...

My graduation (May 2008) was a bittersweet moment. I was excited and happy to receive that flimsy piece of paper, but also very sad and slightly depressed that I had ballooned up to 190 lbs. I was always the girl that had her camera and would take a thousand pictures of everyone and everything. But at my own graduation I didn't even want to be in the pictures. As I grimaced and tried to make my smile as genuine as possible, I came to the realization that I was not happy at that weight and even more disappointed in myself for letting it happen.

The picture below on the left was from my graduation and the picture on the right was from the night before. Weight ~190 lbs.

November 1, 2008, my mom and I joined WW. At the initial weigh-in I was 190 lbs. By the end of February 2009 I had lost 25 lbs and was roughly 165 lbs. I fluctuated between 162-170 lbs until June/July 2009, when I gave up. I'm not really sure why. I got lazy I guess. I was relaxing before I had to start medical school and I think I relaxed too much.

The first semester of med school wasn't so bad and when I ventured back to WW in January 2010 I weighed 175 lbs. My second semester was killer though. I stopped WW completely and with the exception of running for a random week, I was basically a couch potato. I knew I was gaining weight, but there wasn't really anything I felt I could do at the moment. I "didn't have time" (read: I couldn't find time) to exercise properly because I was so busy, and I was eating poorly and for the wrong reasons. I found that I would eat as a "study break", or when I was bored, angry, sad, happy, *insert any emotion here*, but mostly because it was a distraction from my studying. How horrible is that? "Wow, this immunology is so boring! I think I'll stuff my face so I don't have to read for awhile". What a tragic rut.

*End of side one. To continue, turn the cassette over and press play.*

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